I have never had such a hard day as a mother as I did today. Maybe it's a combination of many things like simple house chores, piles of laundry, my procrastinated study and projects that are due soon, fast growing crazy weeds and yard work, feelings of guilt for trying to get all of these checklist type things done and not spending more time focusing on the children. What ever it is it sent me to a breaking point today. I honestly don't know if it was my fault or something else but my son was completely out of control today - so much as to say I didn't recognize him at all. He was so different and saying and doing crazy things. I seriously got to the point I didn't know what to do anymore and had to go into another room and cry for a bit. By the end of the day I was in tears with feelings of guilt, failure and all those horrible feelings that Satan wants us to feel and dwell on. Luckily my fabulous sister was here to help me and she did a terrific job doing all she could, I feel bad she had to see such a horrible side come out in me but I couldn't have done it without her. My loving husband also came to the rescue and after having dinner with my sister and mom I was able to get Rachael in bed while Aaron took Josh out for awhile. Then I went on a 30 minute run which felt so good. While running I was listening to my iPod, I have a few thousand songs on there (most of which I am not familiar with) and came across a song that hit me hard. I've listened to it over and over again, it made me feel so much better.
I have a passion for music and this one song couldn't have come at a better time.
Last night at Relief Society we had some great discussions with some amazing women. We spoke about feelings of guilt at home and how it is so easy to feel guilty for not having a clean home but yet you've spent the day teaching and playing with the children. But then if you spend all day cleaning you feel guilty for not being with the children more. AAAHhhh... it's so hard sometimes.
But once I have a chance to calm down and invite the spirit back in I feel peace that what I did accomplish that day was well worth it. If my kids know that I love them unconditionally and feel safe at home that is all that matters and once the love and faith is there everything else seems to fall back into place and we are all happier together.
I am so grateful for my husband and my children they mean so much to me. I literally spend every waking moment with my kids and wouldn't trade it for the world. Yes there are hard times and often I go to bed at the end of the day seriously wondering what I had accomplished but it's those little moments of joy that bring it all back together. Like tonight right before Aaron put Josh in bed he came up to me, gave me a huge bear hug and kiss, looked me in the eyes and said "I am sorry you had a bad day today mommy, I love you so much and want to be here with you, I am sorry I yelled at you..." and when Rachael's gorgeous blue eyes look up to me and she smiles so big; it just melts my heart and makes it all worth it!
I'm so sorry you had a rough day, mine was like that yesterday and I really hit my breaking point. I'm glad you had a little time away. Please call if you ever need anything! I don't have any tiny babies, so it's nice to play with them once in a while.
ReplyDeleteHang in there Kim! You are a wonderful mother. Your kids clearly love you so much! I know the feelings of guilt you've felt. It gets so overwhelming! When you need a break, you let me know! We're so close!! I swear you're only 10 minutes from me!
ReplyDeleteKim, we've all been there. It's so sad that we all feel the same feelings of guilt and inadequacy, and yet it's still so hard to talk about sometimes! Striking a balance is such a huge challenge at this point in life - and I end most days feeling like I've failed in some aspects.
ReplyDeleteYou are obviously an outstanding mom and wife. Seriously, your kids are so lucky to have you. You're doing an amazing job with them, and having a bad day doesn't take away from that!
If you ever want to get out, give me a call! We can take the kids for a walk or go sit at the park or something. Sometimes I enjoy doing that just so I can forget about the messes waiting for me at home. :)
Hang in there. Don't be too hard on yourself. You're amazing!
I completely agree with Tarin. I am willing to bet that 99% of all moms feel like you, myself included. When our list of things we need to do is twice the size of the list of things we have already done, it is hard to NOT feel overwhelmed. And then if we hit the end of the day with that list being the same or even longer, it is hard to not feel like a failure.
ReplyDeleteYou are NOT a failure because you just inspired me to keep going as well! My bedroom is SERIOUSLY taken over by laundry needing to be folded and has been for an unmentionable number of days. Don't even get me started on my kids rooms!
So good job being honest and I hope you have a fantastic day today!
If only you knew how amazing you are. You really are amazing, you must believe that. I have figured that some days just suck! But what I do know is that the days that begin with some serious scripture study are way better and taking time for yourself is a must. I always feel better after working out, exercise is such a part of God's plan.
ReplyDeleteI was just saying to my Mum about how irritating it is that those whom we love the most drive us to our extremes. I guess thats the challenge; to rise above it. Sometimes we do and sometimes we don't, you are not alone and are doing so much better than you think.
Love you:)
Amen to all that has been said, Kimmy you are wonderful and we are so proud to have you as our daughter-in-law and a very valuable part of our family. You really are an amazing mother with so much patience (more then I ever had/have!) Help is at hand in just a few short weeks ;-)
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