Love

"Love is the only force that can erase the differences between people or abridge the chasms of bitterness" 

"Love is the very essence of life. Love is the security for which children weep, the yearning of youth, the adhesive that binds marriage, and the lubricant that defeats devastating friction in the home. It is the peace of old age, the sunlight of hope shining through death. How rich are those who enjoy it in their associations with family friends and neighbors."

"Love like faith is a gift of God. It is also the most enduring and most powerful virtue. "

-Gordon B. Hinckley-

I started reading "Stand for Something" by Gordon B. Hinckley and haven't been able to get past the first 30 minutes as I keep going back to re listen to it. Already I have SO much to learn from this book.

The first virtue he speaks about is Love.  I have realized this is the answer to a lot of my problems in our home.  "Love is the security for which children weep".  We all long to feel loved and care for right?  My single most important job is to give that very thing to these 4 growing children.

Sometimes love seems like the furthest thing from my reach as with 4 kids the house is constantly full of noise.  For a pessimistic person it feels like 90 percent of the time it's full of screams, shouts and yelling. For an optimist person its feels full of laughter, smiles, giggles and words of love.
I hate to think of myself as a pessimistic person but I often feel that 90 percent is what fills our home. It drives me to my breaking points sometimes but until I can remind myself about LOVE I cannot reverse my feelings and actions.

Today we went to a beautiful baptism for 4 young girls between the ages of 8 and 15.  We were on time dressed in our best and with food in hand.  We sit down and the fighting begins all because all four of them want to sit next to me. I am not joking when I say that this happens ALL the time.
My heart stretches and tears as I can't physically let them all sit right next to me so who do I let down? Well doesn't it always happen that the oldest, most quiet children get put aside as we focus on keeping the younger louder ones quiet?
This happened and I began to feel something I wish I understood and could physically figure out. How do I possibly show all my children the love they deserve? I am one person trying to divide my love between 4 children and a husband. It is so hard but yet I am learning that it is what heals everything!

We then went to the movies and same thing, they are all competing to sit next to me. Im feeling so frustrated but yet shouldn't I be feeling so honored and loved? What is my problem?
It is hard, and I am learning. But one thing that will always help me through is that one very thing, LOVE!!

While driving to the cinemas Josh got me with one of his jokes:

Josh "Mom I bet I can get you to say black"

Mom "oh ok, lets see"

Josh "what color is that sign?"

Mom "white"

Josh "what color are the trees?"

Mom "green"

  This went on for a bit....

Josh "What color is that car?

Mom "red"

Josh "see I told you I could get you to say red"

Mom "No you said you would get me to say black"

Josh "HAHA I just got you to say black"

Mom "oh man, you got me"

I felt loved that he wanted to joke and have a laugh with me. He felt loved because I let him sit in the front seat 'next to me' and he was able to get me laughing.

In preparation to move back to the USA and for my sisters visit in a few weeks we are going through all of our belongings getting rid of stuff and condensing.  Josh decided he wanted to share rooms with Joseph and has been slowly moving his stuff in. He also gave Joseph some of his old toys.
Joseph feels loved because Josh gave him some of his things and wants to be with him. Josh obviously feels loved by Joseph and that's why he wants to share a room.

After the kids were all fast asleep in their beds I did one last check. It was lovely to see Josh setting his stuff up in his new room.

What got me with a swelling heart was when I walked into the girls rooms and saw Rachael curled up in Rebecca's toddler bed with her. Just the sweetest sight as Rachael obviously wanted to be near Rebecca as it made her feel loved and secure. That bed is tiny but she just wanted to be near her.

Rachael is constantly trying to be a mother figure to Rebecca and even had Rebecca calling her Mum for awhile. I had to end that one quick.  Rach longs to be a mother figure like I am to Becca  and she gets so sad when she wants to help and Rebecca won't let her.  I only realize now that it's another sign of wanting to show love and be loved in return.  Isn't it such a wonderful cycle if we can only keep our eyes on that?

I will end my day with this circle of love today in my head hoping for a renewed Sabbath day tomorrow and a greater sense to show love rather than criticism and constantly nagging for things they may be doing wrong. Don't we learn better through love anyway?

Learning through example

Monday 2 Feb 2015

Aaron had prepared a special activity for family home evening.
He took each child blindfolded into our lounge where there were an obstacle of pillows along the floor. The objective was to make it to the couch to where the monkey was sitting.  We had to try our best to make it through without touching any pillows. Josh made it past two and the rest of us ended at the first pillow.

The second time Aaron explained that he would guide us through the pillows to the end and if we trusted him and did exactly as he said following his guidance we would make it safely.
Each going one at a time we did just that.
Rebecca sat off at the side watching each of us take our turn. Being blindfolded and guided along she was first a bit unsure. As she watched me make to to the couch and pull off the blindfold in excitement then insisted she have a turn.
It was shocking to watch her go to the starting point, willingly put the blindfold on and completely trust in Aaron has he held her hands leading her through the maze. It was the most adorable thing to watch her. As she reached the end she pulled off the blindfold in excitement just as we had done.
Everyone was so excited for her and cheering her on.

I cannot get past how quickly Rebecca is learning and the trust she shows in us. I know this has a lot to do with the examples of her 3 older siblings..  She is incredibly loving and caring.
Quite often you can hear her jabbering and singing to favorite teddy bears.

Real time challenges

I have to set some things straight as my last post may have given the impression that I have things under total control. That is not the case.

Every day has it challenges good and bad. With four kids it's very rare that it is ever quiet in the house. The most stressful time of day is after school pick up when all four kids seem to 'need' all my attention at the same time. Joseph is usually at his wildest, I think he gets so excited to have the older two home that he acts out in hopes of gaining their attention. It rarely ends up without screaming and fighting.

Today had a different kind of challenge at hand.

Aaron is our 'wake up call' in the morning but last night was suffering from what we think was food poisoning. Poor guy was up all night hugging the toilet and suffering horrendous stomach pains. He therefore slept in and stayed home from work completely exhausted.
I got up and made my rounds getting the kids out of bed for our regular routine.
This morning was a bit different because Rachael started school swim lessons today.

Rachael has a fear of the water, I am not sure when or how it began but I think her fear comes from the deep waters and her lack of confidence in it. She is fine on the beach when she is in control of the depth she reaches but not in a pool.

So as usual the house becomes a busy beehive first thing in the morning. Today we are running a bit behind because we got up a little later. Josh is surprisingly on fire as he is pumped and ready for the day. He is busting out his chores, makes his lunch and is all ready to go by 8:00 singing and humming along the way. By 8:15 he is out the door on his bike to meet his friend and ride to school.

Rachael is still struggling to get herself together, she's nervous about swimming.  Dressed, lunch made and bag packed but she doesn't want to eat and she has been to the toilet 3 or 4 times now. I realize it's anxiety. We talk, I try to calm her and help her get herself together. She speaks again about her fears and as we put on her swimming cap she looses it. It turned into this emotional crying and fearful mess for her.
Rachael is a very loving and happy child. She aims to please and it takes quite a lot to make her upset. Once she is upset however it is quite a task to calm her down. This was one of those times.

Usually Aaron saves the day when things like this happen (Rach has always been a daddy's girl) but he was more or less passed out in bed from his awful night.
She is muttering through her tears things like "I look awful in my swim cap, I don't want anyone to see me without glasses on because I look silly" "They will make me jump into the deep side"....
My heart breaks as she says these things.

Just this weekend we had the privilege of attending a devotional with Elder Bednar on marriage and family. Members would ask questions and he and his wife would answer them. It was so incredibly uplifting and not like anything i've experience before.

He spoke a lot about 'mirrors around us'. How our children are our mirrors and what we see in them is a reflection of ourselves, good and bad. He went on to explain how the things that irritate us about our children or spouses are usually things we have issues with ourselves.  I have not been able to get this out of my mind. It is helping me to change the way I act and react to the children. I am trying to pay more attention to what I say or don't say.

This mornings events brought all these feelings flooding in. Why would she not feel pretty without her glasses? Sure, she doesn't remember herself without them but she is nearly 6, this shouldn't be an issue yet right?!  I realize that I have said things about myself showing insecurities in my looks and how I feel about myself in front of her and realize I am staring in that mirror. I need to help her see herself differently.

Sister Bednar spoke about praying for DISCERNMENT.  Discernment to help teach our kids to see the potential they have in themselves. To see and understand WHO they really ARE. This comes through our interactions, discipline and through our own examples. She expressed how this helped her deal with hard situations when they arose at home. I cannot shake this from my mind either. It is SO real and so important yet why do I feel like this is all new to me? Discernment may be my new favorite word.

Through learning and significant struggles I was able to get Rachael into the car and off to school. We chatted and I tried my very hardest to show my support and love (regardless of how irritated I may have been at the time). She was so hesitant but as soon as we walked into her classroom it was like a light switch flipped. Rachael is an incredibly strong person and what I saw as she walked into her classroom completely amazed me. She immediately became confident and happy with the situation. I followed her as she put her bag away and began preparations to load onto the bus. She then asks me to help her put her cap on, no tears just smiles. WHAT?   Lined up and walking to the bus I can see she is thinking through some things. She looks at me and I realize she's trying to work out how she is going to quickly switch from her glasses to her goggles without anyone seeing her. She asks me to help her do the switch now and she will just wear the goggles on the bus. Oh dear!  I calmly explain that she can wear her glasses to the swimming pool and switch them there. She smiled and skipped off.

I was worried about how it would go but still had confidence she'd be ok. Joseph had a sporting class today so we couldn't go to the pool with her. Her best friends' mum, Seema, was going and said she would help Rachael and keep an eye on her.

When picking Rachael up from school I had 3 different mums tell me how incredibly organized Rachael was after swimming. They couldn't believe how well she can organize herself and follow directions. That made me so happy and other than a bit of exhaustion after school Rach was as happy as a songbird.

This was just a small bite into a HUGE day. Again, a glimpse into our lives here. 6 people, 6 different personalities and many many different struggles and learning paths.  I/we have SO much to LEARN.

On Monday Rachael received a "Star of the Week" award in front of the entire school for "always showing respect towards others and a great commitment to learning". She was stoked about it and so happy that both Aaron and I were there to see her get it.

Family Organization

Time is moving so quickly here in the Presbury home. I rarely have 'spare' time to do the things on my 'extra's lists but it's ok. Things are going very well.

My ambition for blogging is far beyond my reach at the moment. Its merely a thought in the back of my mind. However with a bit of free time i have tonight I wanted to document our every busy lives in  a post.

Since school started back up we have had an increasing need for more organization as a family. I never realized how important organization skills would be as a mom to have a functioning family.

My morning starts at 6am when I get up to get my own tasks done. Exercise, scripture study and preparing myself for the day take place in those 30 minutes. It is some of the only time I have on my own. However I am not always able to get up, sometimes I am SO exhausted I hit the snooze button a couple times.

6:30am Aaron begins his piano practice. He has started his fourth year of diligent practice and we decided it was best for him to do that in the morning. It works great as the 'wake up call' first thing in the morning.
In the 15 minutes as he practices the kids begin to emerge from their beds (keeping in mind that they were always up around 7 am on their own ).  They begin to get ready for the day, with specific tasks such as making bed, putting clothes away, getting dressed in school uniform and doing hair. I obviously engage and help where I am needed.
By 7am we gather at the kitchen table for scripture study. This new change has made it SO much easier. Trying to make scripture study happen at night was so much more challenging.
Afterwards we have family prayer and then the kids watch from the kitchen window as Aaron catches the bus.

We now have an hour before leaving for school. We prepare lunches, eat breakfast and the kids work on their 'chores'. Josh and Rachael unload the dishwasher together every morning. I LOVE it!
They have certain responsibilities each and every day and then a different assigned 'chore' to each day. Taking out the trash, vacuuming the stairs, cleaning bathroom mirrors, dusting tv, tidy bedrooms....
Their chores coincide with my house cleaning. Mondays are my main laundry days, Tuesday I focus on dusting and bathrooms, Wednesdays the house gets thoroughly vacuumed, Thursday is a deep kitchen clean and mopping and Fridays we each focus on our own bedrooms.  I like a clean house and this is how I do it without going crazy. It works for me.
I have a time limit on the cleaning each day, I could spend all day every day cleaning but have to limit myself and stay organized.

We have different weekly activities that we have to carefully plan in. Schooling is quite different here to Utah and preschool for Joseph was going to cost a fortune. Joseph is so incredibly athletic and energetic we thought it better to enroll him in some more physical activities and instead of preschool. I would dedicate 1-2 hours a day 'homeschooling' joseph instead. Not really homeschool but rather in house preschool.

Right now Joseph attends a Playball class tuesday mornings where he engages with other boys his age and learns a different sport each week. He loves it.
Thursday mornings he has tennis lessons and loves that too. He is quite fond of his Roger Federer racket.
He can count into the teens, knows his colors and shapes and has been writing his name the past month. He writes his name on everything. He has taken to drawing too and occasionally creates some pieces for me.  Joseph learned last week how to ride his peddle bike all by himself. He gets so excited to have a ride around our neighborhood lake (about 2.75km) and has been exhausted at the end of each day.

Josh is adjusting well, he doesn't speak about 'America' as much and is really loving school this year. He has a good group of friends and has a friend within a 10 minute bike ride from our house he likes to play with. He is obsessed with becoming a Pilot and loves watching these air crash investigation shows.  Josh attends tennis lessons on Mondays, Piano lessons on Tuesdays, Kenpo Karate on Wednesdays and Saturday mornings. Tennis has become a new passion since the Australian Open and he keeps asking about taking a second lesson.  He too has scored a nice Roger Federer racket.
I still can't believe he is 9 years old, he is growing up so fast.  I have to remind myself that he isn't a baby anymore and he has different needs to the younger ones. Its really fun to have one on ones with him. He looks forward to the times he can read aloud his books to me and share funny jokes or cool things he learned from school.

Rachael is quite the social butterfly at school. It is adorable to watch her friends come running to her just to say hi and give her a hug every morning at school. Rachael is a very happy person and LOVES school. She will put on a brave face when she is feeling sick in hopes that she won't have to miss school. Her artistic skills were scored two grade levels higher last year. She is always creating or drawing some new masterpiece. Her latest project was a 3d house she made out of construction paper.
Rachael's character is still blooming, she has the tendency to easily shut down if she's feeling discouraged or inadequate, yet she is always trying to please you. She is very clingy to me in situations that are new. Once she is comfortable with her surroundings and the people she is fine but anything new we have to be careful at the way we present it or she will completely shut it down.  I think part of this comes from her scary nut allergy issue. She won't go play at a friends house unless I were to be there with her. Fair enough, it is a scary thing and will take time to get used to.
Rachael was very interested in tennis as well but refuses to take lessons. It scares her too much as she doesn't know anyone but she also fears disappointment.
She speaks about playing the piano though and will soon start taking lessons with Josh.

Both Josh and Rach are engaged in other activities at school such as learning Mandrin Chinese, a Kitchen and Garden program (where they plant and help grow fruits and veg and then learn to cook different things with them in their kitchen class). They both have a couple weeks of required swimming lessons through the school, art classes, sport classes (Josh's teacher has asked him about joining the Badminton Club that meet at lunch). It really is a great school full of different activities and learning experiences.

Rebecca has bloomed into quite a little diva. She communicates very well and understands exactly what we are saying. She gets easily frustrated and will scream when she is. She is a sweetheart that sure does bring more character to our family. She LOVES shoes, teddy bears, dolls and jewelry.
Just tonight we went out for a family bike ride and as we were preparing our helmets and drink she took initiative and climbed into the bike trailer with her helmet and drink ready to go.
She LOVES to be outdoors and to dance.
Her dairy allergy is still an ongoing process but her health is much better now. Baby steps to improvement and awareness I guess. We will be seeing a specialist  the end of March to determine exactly how bad her allergy is and establish a more permanent nutritional diet.

Aaron is working very hard to support us and does a fantastic job. He stays busy with work and church calling but still finds time to make sure we are all taken care of. He takes Josh to kenpo twice a week and stays to support him. Our children love and adore him and get so excited when daddy comes home from work. He is a good example to us all and keeps us all on track and in line. I am very grateful for him.

 I visit the local markets every Saturday morning and get all the fresh food I need for the week. In order to do this I have to be prepared and organized and have a meal plan for the upcoming week. Each of the kids have a night where they are assigned to cook dinner with me, they all get SO excited to be in the kitchen and help me with this task. Apart of that is helping to plan out the meals in advance, it makes it much more enjoyable for me too just takes much more planning.
Since we started doing this the kids have become more aware of the kitchen, more helpful and understanding with food and the preparation that goes into it. On top of all that they are learning skills in the kitchen that they will have for the rest of their lives.
Just this week I was very ill, sickest i've been since living in Australia. To the point I was fevering and couldn't move off the couch. Joseph at his tender age of 3 took the skills he had learned and made himself some toast putting the butter and jam on himself. He also helped Becca by pouring her a bowl of cheerios and washing some grapes.

Bedtime routine is another organized process.  Because we have such an early morning the kids are obviously tired earlier. After showers/baths and brushing teeth Rebecca and Joseph are our first task while Rachael and Josh work on homework or read to each other. It's obviously much easier if Aaron is home and we can share the load but in cases where he may be out I tuck the younger two in bed first. They are usually so exhausted, easy to put down and in their beds around 7:30. The next hour is so cherished by Josh and Rachael as this is 'their' time. I sit with Rachael first and we chat about her day and anything else she wants to talk about. Tonight we worked on her spelling words and read a book together. She shared her fears about swimming lessons that start next week at school.
After our time I tuck her into bed.  Last but not least is Josh, he looks forward to this time and LOVES to read to me. We first chat about school, about games he's played or something new he learned. Tonight he earned a stripe at kenpo and told me all about it. He read 3 chapters in his book to me and we laughed together at the humor. This time together is so important, especially at his age. He speaks more like a maturing boy and not a child.

In my 9 years of being a mother I have learned how important it is to have a schedule and to be organized. We all run better that way and children especially need some sort of structure. It is really the only way we can make it work and eliminate the 'chaos' associated with being unorganized and scheduled.  The end of last year I was feeling down about how I was mothering and new that I needed a better system and wanted to be more structured. I knew I could be doing more but needed help to get there. Aaron helped me establish a plan to make sure I could find that one on one time with each child and it's made a HUGE difference since doing so. We are all much happier and we are seeing the blessings from the dedication.

Life is busy making sure the needs of a family of 6 are met but I try to enjoy every moment. As they get older it only seems to get busier but my life feels fuller. Its never easy, most days have their breaking points but I really would not change it for the world. Our children bring our lives so much more meaning and watching them grow and learn is priceless.

It is so easy to get caught up in our own lives and drama that we forget the ever moving world and friendships around us. I have been working hard to organize family life and now need to organize and fit in time to connect with friends and family and also do my calling.  It brings such great blessings when I do and helps me to be a better mother because I am learning from others.

If you feel I have forgotten you I haven't, promise. I think of family and friends often actually and need to reach out more.
Thanks to all of you that still message me from time to time. Thank you for all the prayers and support.  Life is wonderful and even more so because of all those who have been apart of ours!

Taking time

Since this move over I feel as if time has sped up. I have blinked and here we are nearly 8 months later. 

I remember as a child and even a teen feeling as if days would drag on and on. I remember the days feeling like weeks in anticipation for something exciting.

Now as a mother of 4 I feel I never have enough time to plan, prepare and do all the things I desire to do. 

The hardest part has been learning what things are most important and what things are of least importance.  Elder Dallin H. Oaks spoke about this in a general conference talk. He said: "We have to forego some good things in order to choose others that are better or best because they develop faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and strengthen our families." 

I have really had to evaluate my life and decide what those good, better and best things are.  I found myself feeling frustrated with minor things. It became such a daunting task when trying to take 4 kids to the beach bringing along bags of all the necessities for a new baby as well as a large beach umbrella, beach toys and my camera. Was I really getting mad at my kids when sand was thrown in the direction of my beloved camera bag? 

Photography is a passion that I have learned needs to be put on hold. It is one of the good or better things. I was worrying more about the perfect picture to capture behind the lens of my camera and then missing out on the memories I could be making with my young children. This doesn't mean I halt taking any pictures it just means I needed to simplify. My camera phone became the easiest way to capture moments with a very active family. I have nearly 4000 photos that are not high quality or professional in any way but are priceless to me. 

Rebecca is nearly 9 months. She has 5 teeth says mama, dada and is already crawling. She LOVES eating apples and cherries. She loves me and it fills me with joy. She is no longer a baby, we are entering toddler stages and this saddens me. I will truly miss having a baby.

Reflecting on this I am making a better effort to rid those good and better things and focus on the best. To be the best wife I can be by strengthening my marriage and relationship with Aaron. I want to be a more engaged mother, to become my children's best friend. 

We are living in a cruel time and watching the world become more wicked. Our children are exposed to the most horrible things and much sadness. I need to create a home where they feel loved, safe and happy. I need to help teach them how to be a hard worker, how to be respectful and to love those around them while keeping their own standards high. 

I have found a better focus and am happy. It will all take time but I am seeing significant improvements. 

I still find time for myself every day and strive to read and educate myself as well as exercise.  Instead of feeling overwhelmed when all 4 kids are screaming for my attention I am better able to spend an hour tossing a ball with Joseph and am more patient as he is learning to speak more fluently and it takes him 5 minutes to explain something.  More willing to find the energy to help teach Rachael to read when she has a small desire to do so. We spend 30 minutes on homework and then can happily color for another 30 minutes.  When Josh is having a melt down I can recognize he is crying for help. I have learned to talk with him differently, I was denying it before but he is older now and needs to be treated so. He feels much more appreciated when I treat him like an 8 year old instead of a 5 year old. I can actually sit down and enjoy doing homework with him or teaching piano for 30 minutes.  These things I honestly struggled with and still do at times.  These things are nearly a daily occurrence and take heaps of my time. But I love it and wouldn't change it for anything.  Little Rebecca is always there to love me and gets so excited to have my attention. Whenever I am having a hard moment I can always turn to her.

Some have said to me that they are amazed at how i've handled moving over here and that it must have been so hard. Yes, it was hard at times but I believe it would have been much harder if I didn't have my little family with me. I am grateful for them!

Time is a priceless thing. How are we all managing and spending our time?

Tender Mercies

Yesterday morning was going well, until the drive to school... Rachael asked Josh to help her with her site words. She was struggling a little and within 2 minutes Josh was getting angry and frustrated. Just like a flick of a switch the mood changed. I was pleading for strength to help me stay calm, focused and to speak to the children in the correct manner. Before we arrived at school I was told to shut up and was already the meanest person in the world. The bell rang as I was walking them up the the school, Josh said to me "sometimes I really wish I had a different mom". I turned to him, said "I love you and hope you can have a good day". That was it, he was off and I was feeling hurt.

I took my time driving home, I was very hurt and upset. Once home I found Josh's school diary on the table. I contemplated; do I take it to him or let him learn the hard way. I wanted to show love and compassion but also want him to learn more independance. I decided not to take it to him and instead cleaned the house to keep my mind off it. Thankfully I had a pre arranged lunch with some friends that helped to cheer me up.

On my way to pick Josh and Rach up from school I was preparing for the worst. I am sure that his feelings were only festering and becoming more hostile towards me when he realized his diary was not in his bag. Because we all know, it's my fault right?!

I waited on the sidewalk beside the car watching for them to come out of the school and ready for the attack. To my surprise I saw a happy, energetic boy running at me with his arms wide open. Josh wrapped his arms tightly around me and offered the most sincere apology about that morning. I was in shock, did this just really happen? He was so upbeat and in such a great mood. The entire evening was a joy for everyone. Josh was so willing to help and be helped without complaint. He unloaded the car and carried Rachael's backpack for her, he helped clean up, spoke with kind tones and tried to calm Rebecca when she was crying.  Numerous time throughout the evening he was giving me big hugs and kisses expressing his love for me.
This was a tender mercy moment that the Lord knew I needed. 

Today I had another tender mercy. As I picked the kids up from school I was greeted with two lovely smiles, hellos and I love you mom. Josh first exclaimed "Mom, I am really starting to like school, I am learning so much". He also said "I chose to pass my free computer time at recess and instead go play with Rachael on the playground, I had so much fun".  I am not only happy that he is enjoying school now but he is making new friends, greeting and saying hello to those friends in my presence and then also taking good care of and looking out for his litter sister.  I love that he chose to play with her for the hour lunch break instead of playing the computer. Such joy fills my heart.

My evening finished up at the Melbourne Temple. It has been a wonderful couple of days and my heart is full!

Rough Days Ahead

Today was a HARD day!
I am feeling burned out, emotionally and physically drained.

Two kids in full time school now and our mornings feel insane as we rush around trying to get out the door with everything done and what they need for the day. 
The days at home are a lot quieter now, Joseph finds himself lonely and bored without his older siblings at home. We talk A LOT about everything. 

Potty training is rough, I hate it! It is much harder this time around. We were making progress but then everything turned upside down. Here we go again. What happened to my motivation? My energy? 
I sit down to feed Rebecca as he decides to go hide and poo on the floor. Im angry, raging inside and want to yell out, it takes everything inside of me to keep calm. We talk about it and keep talking about it all day focusing on how we can be better and what I can do to help him not to be scared.

I get so distracted with having a baby at home I honestly sometimes forget that I am potty training and then I have a big mess to clean up because he has had an accident somewhere. I literally lie down for a few minutes after clearing up the mess and unintentinally fall asleep for 5-10 minutes because I am so drained. 

We pick Josh and Rachael up from school and they are happy. Rachael is beaming, she's had a fantastic day and is telling me all about it. She is full of energy and radiating.
Josh is smiling and doesn't have much to say as usual.

We get home and it begins. Rachael is as sweet as ever unloading her backpack, starting homework and changing out of her uniform. Josh has no desire to do anything. Im constantly asking him to do his reading, change his clothes, pick up his clothes up off the floor, unload his backpack, practice piano.... Nothing happens, it's like I'm non existent. 
Finally Josh decides to go to the piano. He starts lessons again this Thursday and he has a test to see where he will be placed. As he sat down at the piano he broke down as he realized he had forgotten how to play Star Wars. We opened the book and he struggled terribly to play the first line?
He broke down. It wasn't pretty.  I tried to reassure him that through practice he will get it back. 

We talked and talked but he was beyond talking out of anything. It was terrible, he was so angry at himself and the world around him. We heard things like: "I hate myself, I am so dumb and stupid, I am so mad that we moved to Australia, my life has been ruined because we moved here, people at school think I am dumb and I am, I am so short and get made fun of it..." The entire night was like this. It's exhausting to hear and breaks our heart. Nothing we say or do has seemed to help get him out of this state. 

There were so many events from tonight that had everyones emotions in every direction. I think at one point or another everyone was extremely mad and angry, crying and then laughing.
I was at one point the worst mom ever, hated and the meanest person in the world. But yet the next hour I am supposedly the best and loved.

I struggle to deal with my own emotions, how in the world am I supposed to help my 8 year old understand and deal with his own? It's a terrible feeling and so draining. I am struggling with it so badly and it has pushed me beyond limits I even knew I had.

Aaron is reading a book with me this month called "How to talk so kids will listen & Listen so kids will talk". It is incredible, yet everything I feel I have currently been doing is so wrong. Have I created this unhappy emotional child? Is it because he doesn't know how to recognize and deal with his own emotions?

The hardest part is trying to actually use the techniques we are learning when things get this bad. Everything feel so out of control and my blood starts boiling. I want to go crazy at him. 
I have watched Aaron as he has taken advice from the book and used it with Josh in many ways. I've seen how Josh has literally switched from evil devil child to the sweetest most caring and loving 8 year old i've ever known. How does this even happen? I think I loose my patients with them easier as I am dealing with it 24/7

Whatever the solution or whatever needs to happen I still do not know. All I know tonight is that I am going to bed with a slightly broken heart. I have been humbled by my imperfections once again. We must push forward and begin another day tomorrow. I pray I will have the strength to be better and rise to the challenge before me. I pray that I can help raise happy children with courage and strength in these last days. 

Regardless of how horrible tonight ended up I still love these kids more than anything. They really do bring me joy. Josh has such incredible potential and is absolutely loving and so caring to his sisters. He and Joseph don't get a long so well at the moment but the love he has for Rachael and Rebecca is beautiful. He is so protective of his little sisters and looking out for their well being.

These pictures just warm my heart and bring me a little peace of hope and joy for tonight. 
Tomorrow is another day, I will rise up and begin again!

The toilets

Ok I had to blog about the toilets here. They have some serious power to them.

First of all it's brilliant how they have two buttons, one conserves water (for your lighter deliveries) and the other is for your larger loads.  Both buttons produce a good powerful flush either way... Let's just say (for those of you that really know Aaron) we never have a clogged toilet over here...

Now the downside is that along with the super powerful flushes comes a loud waterfall type sound. Even with the door shut it's loud. 

Well the toilet in our room is not too far from the bed. Seeing as I was up nursing a baby at night when we were first here and drinking loads of water I would have to use the toilet in the middle of the night. This one particular time I flushed the toilet, came out of the room to find aaron jumping out of bed shouting "who's drowning" "where are they". He was seriously freaked out and it took me a min to get him calmed down and back into bed. 

We talked about it the next day and both agreed that if we used the toilet at night we would wait to flush until the morning. 

Thursday night came and as I was soundly asleep aaron flushed, it woke me up so urgently from my comfortable sleep as I literally thought a huge wave was coming at us. I was freaked and so mad once I realized what had happened.  Hopefully we can either refrain from flushing in the night or get used to it.

We have been asked if the water really does spin the opposite way and we can't be sure. It's so powerful there is really no spin, it just flows through so fast while sucking it out. I wouldn't want to fall down one of these :)

Josh

** I wrote this post a week ago, a lot has happened since but I still wanted to post what I had previously written. Josh has since then been made fun of at school from a few mean kids but he handled the situation really well. We had one really bad day where things were really upsetting him but spending a day home and having an evening out with Aaron he was pumped and ready for school the next day. He had a great end to the school year with a 10 hour camping day at school and then a half day on friday. He came home with loads of Christmas cards and little gifts. Here's to our summer holiday! **

This picture was taken on his first day of school 

We were most worried about how Josh would take this move but he is doing surprisingly well. We all have our good and bad moments but so far he's thriving.

Josh really enjoys school and has made some good friends. He comes home telling me how the kids keep saying they love his accent.

He is learning more about the australian language and is telling me new words and what they mean every day. He is also learning a bit of Chinese and is really enjoying school.

There are only 5 days left of school here and then Josh will be finished with 2nd grade. Essentially school ended last week and all this week and next is pretty much play time at school. They watch movies, make crafts and do a load of fun things in preparation for Christmas and the new school year.

He said the other day they all had different tasks to help clean the room, he chose to scrub all the walls. When I asked why he chose that one he said "because I thought it sounded like fun" ha!

One day this week he brought home some Christmas cards. Four girls in his class wrote out lovely Christmas cards to him. The next day he came home with loads more including gifts.

When I checked him out of school early on Friday he asked me if I saw this 'certain' girl in his class, her name is Jazzy and he thinks she's cute :)  She gave him a card and 4 gifts today. He's loving all the attention…  We are going to put together little gifts and cards for him to take to school on Monday. How adorable!

A few weeks ago they went on a excursion (what we would call a field trip). They traveled a total of 3 hours that day. They went to a Strawberry farm and learned how to grow and pick strawberries. They also learned a few things about being healthy and taking care of our bodies including a series of exercises and relays. He came home with his own container of strawberries he got to pick.

People seem to be a lot more health conscious over here, especially when it comes to eating healthy food. At school they have a morning snack, afternoon snack and lunch. All children are requested to have their own bottle of water at their desks and then two healthy snacks in addition to their lunch. Josh takes apples, carrots and pretzels for his snacks and really loves it. I think it helps him to focus more by eating smaller amounts more frequently. They don't eat their main lunch until 1:30, and that only consists of his sandwich and some crisps or cookie.

I am very proud of Josh and his transition. He misses his good friends back home and the luxury of riding a bus to school with is pals but he's not complaining much.
He and Rachael have become really good friends in this short time and do a good job looking out for one another. 

It's such a strange feeling to think that they will both be in school full time in just over a month. Makes me sad thinking about Rachael growing up but I am excited for her, she's so anxious and wishes she could go now.
It's so crazy to think that Josh will start 3rd grade in January. He pretty much just passed up 2nd grade. 

This picture taken the day of his 10 hour camping excursion and the day before his last day of school.