Bedtime Thoughts - My sweet Joshua

Most evenings I begin my own free time between 7:00 and 8:00 once the kids are in bed. Tonight was a little different and it only just began. It is now 10:30 pm. I couldn't help but to type my thoughts, it would take me much longer to write this in my journal and I only have 2 pages left (I'm off to get another one tomorrow)... Bear with me.

It was a tiring day for me today. Nothing in particular was necessarily wrong it just didn't flow Joseph had a diarrhea blow out all over everything, I did 4 loads of laundry that I am soon to go finish folding, made dinner at lunch time so that we could go to Aaron's soccer game at 6:00, melt downs, temper tantrums...I could go on and on about all the random things but it was tonight that topped it all off.

The kids usually go down really well for bed. Once the bedtime routine is over they very rarely ( and I mean hardly ever) come out of their room. If they do, I know that something isn't right, especially with Josh. Well tonight was that night. He continually came out of his room, over and over again. He would complain that he was cold, then complain that he was scared of noises (fireworks), mostly just excuses.. Both Aaron and I would take turns taking him back into his room. It was now around 9:15 and he came downstairs, I got a bit upset and told him off a little more sternly.  I felt bad for getting upset and did go up and apologize hoping he would calm down and fall asleep.


I went into my room to begin folding mounds of laundry and about 15 minutes later I hear sobbing. I didn't recognize it before because I had never heard it like this. Josh was sobbing uncontrollably into his pillow and it took me a good 15 minutes to calm him down enough to understand what he was trying to say. He told me this:


"My mind keeps thinking that you are gone or that you leave and no one is here to give food to me, daddy, joseph and rachael so we die"


Then he starts sobbing hysterically again.  Oh dear!


This begins a whole whirlwind of discussions. Hearing him say that sends me in all sorts of whirlwinds. Josh is so smart and sometimes I feel like he outsmarts me, at 5 1/2 years old. Today in particular he had his moments of talking back, shouting and making me feel terrible but hearing him say this had me in tears. I also had to laugh (not in front of him though - he is extremely sensitive) It's funny that he is most worried about being fed but touches me to hear that he still does recognize that he needs me. He wants me...


I hated hearing him cry like this, he was truly upset. I asked him why he was thinking about these things and he said that his mind did it and he couldn't stop it. Ha.
I tried to calm him down and change the subject as we watched a brilliant firework display right out his bedroom window. Unfortunately that didn't work. He began to ask me about death. Why we have to die etc.


This began topics about the pre-mortal life, this life, death, resurrection, satan, good choices vs. bad choices, baptism, the holy ghost, celestial kindom, outer darkness.... ( I could write pages about how these topics came about). He asked question after question but still struggled to really calm down. He is so worried about leaving or dying.


Josh has always been sensitive (he gets this from me I am afraid to say). Even when he was a young baby if you laughed at him while pooping he would get upset and cry. He is also a deep thinker, something can be said one day and a few days later he will bring it back up as he has been thinking about it. (I too think to deeply about things sometimes). He outsmarts me so often it can be frustrating and he is constantly asking me questions that I find myself struggling to answer.


He is genuinely concerned about those he loves. After some deep conversations we had tonight I asked him if he would enjoy some 'mommy joshy' time where we go out, just the two of us, and do anything he chooses. I asked him what he would like to do and he couldn't give me an answer, he was more concerned about Rachael  being upset because she will feel left out and Joseph not being fed. He would continue to say "well mom you would need to bring Joseph so that you could feed him and Rachael will just cry at home and keep asking 'where is mommy'". Josh does so well to take care of his younger siblings. Even though both Josh and Rach can really fight sometimes he is usually very sweet and very protective of her. He is so loving with Joseph and is always wanting to help.


When Aaron tucks josh into bed he always asks him what was his favorite part of the day ( I don't usually hear what he says other than tonight). Josh told him tonight that his favorite part was helping me out. He helped me mop the kitchen floor and vacuum. He then told Aaron that I didn't let him hold Joseph when he asked, this made me feel sad. He had asked me a few times today if he could hold Joseph and I declined at those moments because I was 'busy' for whatever reason. This broke my heart as I realized what was really going on. He loves loves loves to hold Joseph and I declined it because I was flustered or too busy cleaning up a diarrhea mess etc but he was just trying to help. I feel so pathetic and terrible.


Tonight we talked about perfection and how none of us are perfect. I feel more imperfect than ever and have so much to learn, he is surely helping me.


It was getting real late and we were both getting tired, he was still struggling a bit so I knew I needed to change things around quickly. We talked about what to do whenever he gets upset or scared. He said about praying and I was so proud of him for doing that. We said a prayer together and then I asked him to think about things that make him most happy. I asked him to tell me one thing that he really enjoys. He said trains.


I began a story "I want you to imagine you are on the most incredible train ever... Where will it take you and what will it look like?" He began to explain and said it would go into space, so we went into space. I had him close his eyes while I painted the picture for him.  "Then the conductor called over the train 'Would Joshua Presbury please come to the drivers quarters'" Joshua's eyes opened and he got excited "Once Joshua got there the conductor explained that he was the special one chosen today and he gets to choose one place he would like to go." I asked Josh where he wanted to go and he chose the moon.
So we headed to the moon. By now Josh is explaining to me how a train works, the sounds it makes, how it moves. We even change tracks as we drive to the moon.


I end the story on the moon. I ask him to think about what things he would want to take with him to the moon. He immediately wants to start telling me but I tell him to keep them a secret and really think about what would be most important to him, then to tell me in the morning.  As I tuck him in and kiss him goodnight he whispers "Mom I will tell you one thing I do want to take and it's our house, I would get the biggest strongest chain and pull it behind the space train" Oh my heart melted.  As I walk out I say "Josh I love you" he says softly "Mom I love you more" I whisper back "I love you most" He then says "I love you more than most"


My mind and heart are full tonight and I am so exhausted. I have so much to learn...