Rough Days Ahead

Today was a HARD day!
I am feeling burned out, emotionally and physically drained.

Two kids in full time school now and our mornings feel insane as we rush around trying to get out the door with everything done and what they need for the day. 
The days at home are a lot quieter now, Joseph finds himself lonely and bored without his older siblings at home. We talk A LOT about everything. 

Potty training is rough, I hate it! It is much harder this time around. We were making progress but then everything turned upside down. Here we go again. What happened to my motivation? My energy? 
I sit down to feed Rebecca as he decides to go hide and poo on the floor. Im angry, raging inside and want to yell out, it takes everything inside of me to keep calm. We talk about it and keep talking about it all day focusing on how we can be better and what I can do to help him not to be scared.

I get so distracted with having a baby at home I honestly sometimes forget that I am potty training and then I have a big mess to clean up because he has had an accident somewhere. I literally lie down for a few minutes after clearing up the mess and unintentinally fall asleep for 5-10 minutes because I am so drained. 

We pick Josh and Rachael up from school and they are happy. Rachael is beaming, she's had a fantastic day and is telling me all about it. She is full of energy and radiating.
Josh is smiling and doesn't have much to say as usual.

We get home and it begins. Rachael is as sweet as ever unloading her backpack, starting homework and changing out of her uniform. Josh has no desire to do anything. Im constantly asking him to do his reading, change his clothes, pick up his clothes up off the floor, unload his backpack, practice piano.... Nothing happens, it's like I'm non existent. 
Finally Josh decides to go to the piano. He starts lessons again this Thursday and he has a test to see where he will be placed. As he sat down at the piano he broke down as he realized he had forgotten how to play Star Wars. We opened the book and he struggled terribly to play the first line?
He broke down. It wasn't pretty.  I tried to reassure him that through practice he will get it back. 

We talked and talked but he was beyond talking out of anything. It was terrible, he was so angry at himself and the world around him. We heard things like: "I hate myself, I am so dumb and stupid, I am so mad that we moved to Australia, my life has been ruined because we moved here, people at school think I am dumb and I am, I am so short and get made fun of it..." The entire night was like this. It's exhausting to hear and breaks our heart. Nothing we say or do has seemed to help get him out of this state. 

There were so many events from tonight that had everyones emotions in every direction. I think at one point or another everyone was extremely mad and angry, crying and then laughing.
I was at one point the worst mom ever, hated and the meanest person in the world. But yet the next hour I am supposedly the best and loved.

I struggle to deal with my own emotions, how in the world am I supposed to help my 8 year old understand and deal with his own? It's a terrible feeling and so draining. I am struggling with it so badly and it has pushed me beyond limits I even knew I had.

Aaron is reading a book with me this month called "How to talk so kids will listen & Listen so kids will talk". It is incredible, yet everything I feel I have currently been doing is so wrong. Have I created this unhappy emotional child? Is it because he doesn't know how to recognize and deal with his own emotions?

The hardest part is trying to actually use the techniques we are learning when things get this bad. Everything feel so out of control and my blood starts boiling. I want to go crazy at him. 
I have watched Aaron as he has taken advice from the book and used it with Josh in many ways. I've seen how Josh has literally switched from evil devil child to the sweetest most caring and loving 8 year old i've ever known. How does this even happen? I think I loose my patients with them easier as I am dealing with it 24/7

Whatever the solution or whatever needs to happen I still do not know. All I know tonight is that I am going to bed with a slightly broken heart. I have been humbled by my imperfections once again. We must push forward and begin another day tomorrow. I pray I will have the strength to be better and rise to the challenge before me. I pray that I can help raise happy children with courage and strength in these last days. 

Regardless of how horrible tonight ended up I still love these kids more than anything. They really do bring me joy. Josh has such incredible potential and is absolutely loving and so caring to his sisters. He and Joseph don't get a long so well at the moment but the love he has for Rachael and Rebecca is beautiful. He is so protective of his little sisters and looking out for their well being.

These pictures just warm my heart and bring me a little peace of hope and joy for tonight. 
Tomorrow is another day, I will rise up and begin again!